Time to Go Forward
New Year’s Eve
New Hampshire author and conflict resolution trainer Dr Tammy Lenski is an expert at helping families diffuse holiday stress. But what about the holiday stress that we take into the New Year? At a time when a great many people are celebrating the birth of a prophet who preached universal love, we see people being bullies and harsh in both their judgments and their behavior towards others. Right after another religion has celebrated a miracle of one day’s worth of oil burning for eight days, we hear nothing but despair and negative expectations for the upcoming New Year.
One of the most common New Year’s resolutions is to lose weight, to watch what one eats. However, this can often led to conflict. “The self-control needed to deal with anger and aggression takes energy and our brains get that energy partly from glucose,” Lenski explains. “If we haven’t eaten properly, low blood sugar makes it harder to deal with confrontations and can cause us to lash out.”
Ina world that seems to require us to do more and move faster, the term “multi-tasking” has become synonymous with living. The fact is that we can do a great deal but we can only do some well. No one is everything nor can one person do everything in a short time span. We often set ourselves up for failure. A tip borrowed from the dog-training world, “trigger stacking” is the gradual build-up of anxiety from a series of events. It’s why otherwise mild-mannered dogs unexpectedly bite, Lenski explains.“Research has shown that trying to regulate our thoughts and feelings all day saps our willpower, and eventually we run out of it,” Lenski says. “When that happens, we can snap, too, just like a dog.”
We need to be aware of our environment and how we react to it. Similarly, we need to expect criticism. After all, no one human being is perfect. We all have those things that stress us and knowing what they are can help us prevent them and better react to them when they are unpreventable. “We see ourselves as competent, likable, dependable, having good character, and capable of standing on our own two feet,” Dr. Lenski explains. But when someone suggests we aren’t, we can get ‘hooked’ by conflict. If we have a difficult history with someone, we’re more likely to interpret their comment as a deliberate insult, when the same comment from someone else might not even register on our internal Richter scales,” she says.
Another buzz word of the twenty-first century is “venting”. While it is good to acknowledge one’s feelings, let’s get real. Venting is just another word for complaining but calling it “venting” seems to make it okay. The notion that venting reduces anger is a myth,” says Lenski. “The venting myth persists because we associate feeling less angry and aggressive with actually being less so,” she says. “Research has shown when you just sit quietly for two minutes after an angering event, without thinking about anything in particular thing to think about, anger and aggression levels decline.”
What we need to do is take the beauty and meaning of this season of holidays into the New year without adding any stress to them. Fortunately, none of us exist alone. Whether you have a deep-rooted spirituality or faith or consider yourself simply a member of the family of man, you are a part of a family. None of us walks alone along the path of life. Find a local charity to volunteer. Every city has either a Red Cross chapter, Salvation Army, or locally-sponsored soup kitchen that could use your help. If construction is your forte, offer to help winterize the homes of senior citizens or low income families. If teaching was your career, volunteer at a local college to help adults receive their GED or be a reading tutor at a local elementary school. Humane societies welcome “petters”, those people who simply come and pet the dogs and cats awaiting adoption.
The reason for the season, regardless of what you call your season, is living. Move forward into the New Year with as little stress and as much hope as possible. The family of man needs you and has a place for you!